You Can Only Breathe Because I Let You: An Autoethnographic Study on the Role of Emotions in Transformative Learning

Graduate education presents an arduous and complex journey for adult learners as they interact with varied cognitive, sociocultural, and emotional challenges within their educational experiences and personal lives. Transformative Learning Theory has been utilized to help adult learners critically question their previous experiences, beliefs, assumptions, and perspectives to create new meaning and interpretations. This type of questioning can challenge individuals to move beyond their comfort zones of knowing and confront personal and cultural elements within their identities. There is concern for those adult learners who are experiencing a life crisis and/or displaying emotional chaos as they attempt to develop an identity, reflect on how to be successful in the classroom, and mentally manage circumstances surrounding their lives. Scholarly research often neglects the difficulties and contradictions of the transformative learning journey, individuals’ decision to engage in the critical reflection process that leads to a transformative experience, and the emotional depth individuals need to make meaning from their disorienting dilemmas. The purpose of this autoethnographic dissertation was to have a better understanding of how the cultural context of a doctoral student shapes the role of emotions within a transformative learning experience at an R1 institution in the Southeastern region of the United States. The research questions that guided this study were: 1) How does the cultural context of a doctoral student shape the role of emotions within a transformative learning experience? 2) How does the doctoral student engage emotions resulting from a disorienting dilemma? 3) In what ways does the doctoral student navigate the transformative learning process while attending a doctoral program? From the autoethnographic narrative, four themes emerged: 1) academic discovery and responsibilities, 2) you can only breathe because I let you, 3) traveling through the dark to a transformative emergence, and 4) discovering compassion. The findings build a new perspective for navigating emotions throughout the transformative learning journey. The study concluded with a discussion of implications for practice and recommendations for future research regarding adult learning, and Transformative Learning Theory.